A few nights ago as I was trying to go to sleep, God wouldn’t let me. I asked him why I was awake and he said I had to forgive someone who hurt me in my recent past. To which I replied, “no thanks.” This person has offended me too many times to count, and I always forgave them, but this time I decided I wasn’t going to. I was putting my foot down; you don’t get to hurt me anymore. I actually liked not forgiving them because it gave me a reason not to talk to them if they ever reached out. I rationalized this as they don’t “deserve” my time until they apologize. This exact thing happened a few months ago. They reached out, and I deleted the message. I didn’t feel like being fake with this person. Every time I used this as a defense to disobey, God would show me a picture of the cross. The perfect love the Jesus showed my undeserving self. His sacrifice so I can commune with God, but here I am, not forgiving someone because they don’t “deserve” my time.
To me forgiving them would mean they got off scot free. They get to offend. I get to forgive. This is the second of the few reasons I told God I wasn’t forgiving this person. This was when God told me my thinking about this just isn’t true. There are consequences for our actions in this world. When I offend others, I don’t get off the hook with God, and this person isn’t off the hook. I don’t have to know or see it, that’s not my business.
I was talking to a friend who asked me why I didn’t want to forgive. The answer is sad: I hate to lose. My pride makes me hate feeling as if I put more on the line than those around me. Some people you have relationships with it doesn’t even feel like a sacrifice to do certain things for them. Others it does and this is one of those situations.
In this situation, I know that if I forgive I must truly forget. If I forgive this person, I have no reason to be mean to them, and the child in me hates that. I hate that Gods calls me to be mature in situations when I want to be immature. The part that gets me the most is not the forgiving part. It’s the part where I cant say, “Hey you did me wrong, and I know you did me wrong but I forgave you so it’s cool.” God keeps reminding me that he throws our transgressions into the sea of forgetfulness and I should too. But I really don’t want to. I want you to know, that I know, you did me wrong. But like most of us when we do something wrong…. they know they did me wrong so there’s no need to remind them.
I was speaking to another group of friends about how forgiving someone without an apology is the best/worst thing to do. Its the best because you are free from bitterness. Its the worst because again, I feel like I lost. Needless to say, I am choosing to lay my pride and bitterness down and truly forgive.
Love does not keep record of wrong and neither will I (anymore).
God is good y’all, even when I’m immature.