If I’ve learned nothing else in 2020; I’ve learned it’s okay not to be okay. I haven’t been okay in awhile now. And you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay to love God and be emotionally, physically, and mentally drained.
These last few months have been full of transitions that have led to some cognitive dissonance: If God loves me why am I here? If God loves me why is this relationship broken? If God loves me why can’t I take care of myself financially? If God loves me why am I anxious? If God loves me why can’t I stop crying? If God loves me why can’t I feel emotionally okay? If God loves me why can’t I break this addiction? If God loves me why does faith feel hard? Why does faith feel so hard? If God loves me why…..? I have so many things I can put here.
I don’t have answers for any of these questions but I do know that God is my sustainer. He continues to bless me. There are days I feel he’s forgotten me.
There are days I can only rely on his word never to leave me or forsake me.I remember that his grace is sufficient. I remember that his peace is all I have to hold on to. I remember that God is good. I also must remember that God’s goodness doesn’t negate the pain I feel. And that’s okay.
Jonathan McRenyolds has a song that says: May your struggles keep you near the cross And may your troubles show that you need God And may your battles end the way they should And may your bad days prove that God is good And may your whole life prove that God is good
There are days I have to I listen to this song over and over to remind myself that God is good. The goodness of God isn’t quantified by how I feel that day.
When I really tell people how I’m doing it can get a little awkward. The truth of the matter is I’ve lost a lot and you guessed it, I’m not okay. And that’s okay because I’m certain I’m going to be okay.
I’m not okay and that’s okay. God is still good y’all.
Link to God is good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-f9uGdJYPeA